Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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