Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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