So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
