even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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