I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
