Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I cannot find my penis.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
