the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
