someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
