so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
