captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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