is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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