I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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