Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Houston, we have a squirter
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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