He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize