I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
