You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
