Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
