I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
