ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
