News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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