How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
