you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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