I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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