theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
