and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
