Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
