Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
