she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize