Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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