Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
