well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
