just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
