Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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