You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
