Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
