hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
