everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
