I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
