fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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