We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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