its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize