I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
