Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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