im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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