Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
