The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
