I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
