Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
