your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
