I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize