i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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