Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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