maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
