My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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