she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
