haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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