hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize