alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
