I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
