if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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