I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
